The inevitability of letting him go

One day, I will watch my son die. 

There are few guarantees in life, but, I'm as sorry as possible to say, this is one part of my future of which I am inordinately, unbearably confident.

I have no idea how or when it will happen; I just know that it will.

I will have to let him go.

It is inevitable.

However, I'm not sitting by his bed waiting for this day to come. It's not keeping me up at night or intruding on my days. I don't notice it most - even much - of the time. 

But it is always there, just under the surface; on the edge of silence. It has carved out a refuge within me, living within a gash, a wound, an aching hole in my heart.

It does show itself from time to time. It'll rear its ugly head in a quiet conversation. It'll infect a wandering thought; strangle a good mood. It can suck air out of the room; out of my lungs; my cells.

At times, I know it's coming, I'll surrender to it; even help it along. Other times, it ambushes me; dragging me down against my will. In either case, not a single tear is wasted when it's shed for him.

Again, I don't know when it will happen or how it will happen...

But I know it will. It viciously dismantles, eviscerates, and devours my heart to say so. 

But it will. 

All I hope for is that he goes peacefully, and that I am with him when it happens. 

I want him to know that daddy is right there to see him off with a kiss of his cheek and a squeeze of his hand. 

And when he closes his eyes for that final time, I hope he's happy with the life I tried to give him. 

I hope he thinks of me with the love and warmth I did my best to shower him with in every moment of his life, and isn't too mad at me for all the pain he suffered under my care; all those surgeries and hospital visits couldn't have been fun for him; I know they weren't for me.

I hope he knows I only subjected him to it all because I love him, and wanted to help him thrive; to be the best he could be; to live the best life possible. 

He did so well to get through it all. 

I'm so proud of him for that, and for helping me get through it all too.

But there's one pain that I'm so glad he'll never have to know.

And that is the inevitability of letting him go.

daddy never wants to let him go

this blog post inspired the creation of this youtube video